Things my parents taught me (Part 1)

Jordan here: As I was sitting in a session at our last training with our Ghanaian counterparts, I thought to myself all the things my parents taught me and how all the best of me came from them. All the things I’m proud about myself and what I believe in are values I saw growing up. Now this topic is too vast to write about in a single entry so I thought I’d start a series each based on something my parents taught me and I find myself using in Ghana and the rest of my life.

This first one will be about gender equality and loving thy spouse. It inspired this whole series. The topic was about empowering women and girls in Ghana and how that, of course, can and will have multiplicative implications in a developing country. My counterpart, Osman, quoted a past president of Ghana, saying “Empower a man and you empower and individual. Empower a woman and you empower a country.” Maybe he wasn’t the first to say that, but for a male leader in a country in which (especially in the North) women are struggling much more than the men, it was a big deal.

Mant of the programs/grants/projects here in Peace Corps Ghana and probably all over the world is about women empowerment. Rightly so, I believe that’s an essential step in the road to development. My mom showed me that a woman is just as strong as a man and deserve to be treated equally. She taught me to give everyone a chance to show their strengths and weaknesses regardless of gender. And that duties need to be shared in a household as well as in society. Here, men go to farm and handle the “heavy labor” and the women do…well most everything else. Sarah and I try to show daily that we both take part in all of our duties. I help cook, wash the clothes, fetch water (on my head), etc, and Sarah comes to farm, meets with the elders, plays futbol with the boys. When Sarah gets proposed to (don’t worry, its pretty common for female PCVs to get this, usually quite innocent) and I am there, I say to the men, “You won’t like it. You’ll have to cook, take care of children, and wash clothes.” That usually changes their minds. However the persistent ones give up after I tell them the dowry (what the male’s family pays to the females family to marry her) starts at 500 cows. Usually the dowry is a cow or a few goats and some cash. When their eyes get big, I change it to 1000. Of course she’s worth more than that, but I have to keep it realistic for them ;-)

I encounter on a weekly basis either individuals or groups of men that say I should marry one of the women here in Ghana. I, of course, flash the ring and say I’m already happily married. They reply that they are Muslim and that gives them the right to marry 4 women (some say more, some say fewer). I explain that one woman is plenty for me and I don’t want another wife. Now I’m not going to get into a values argument with them about why I think monogamy is right because I’m not here to preach to them. I do, however, voice my opinion that they should be able to care for all equally, love them, and they should all be tolerant of each other. They giggle, mostly just because they’re just teasing me, but they don’t think that I’m serious.

I was incredibly blessed to grow up in a household with 2 parents that not only loved their children dearly, but loved each other. I remember nearly every night growing up having to turn my eyes at the gross view of my mom smooching my dad when he came home from work. Or my dad rubbing my mom’s feet after she’d been on them all day. Or how my mom starting getting my dad special ice cream, candy, chocolate, cake, and everything else sweet with fewer than 6 grams of sugar when he was diagnosed with diabetes. Or how my dad brought up a glass of milk to their room every single night for my mom to help her sleep. I truly could go on for much longer. Whether I thought about it or not, those images stuck with me and taught me how to be a good spouse. Too many kids are not as lucky as me, and it took me many years to realize this. Whether in these ways or numerous other ways, spouses need to show their love daily.

Now that I’m married, I try to follow their example and love my wife as much as they love each other. My mom always taught me that in a relationship, you need to be interdependent. That is, you deeply need the other person in your life and you couldn’t imagine life without them, but still hold you individual qualities and be able to stand on your own 2 feet when you have to be away from them. Sarah and I have taken this advice and it hasn’t been too hard to practice J

I fear that Ghanaian marriages around us are primarily for utility and less for love. I can’t imagine not loving my wife so its hard to see very little signs of affection. Of course, different cultures and personalities express love for their spouses in different ways. So maybe I just don’t see it, who knows. Not too say that they necessarily disrespect or show angst toward each other, but they don’t really joke or tease or flirt with their spouses. They rarely eat together, they don’t sleep in the same rooms, and I don’t think they even talk to each other besides coordinating work, food, or children. I’d go nuts if I didn’t have the ability to sit down and just chat about things that bug me, or cool ideas I have, or about nothing in particular with Sarah.

Reflecting back, my parents love each other and no one more than each other and I’m going to use that example here in Ghana, when we get old and wrinkly, and every day in between. Thanks Mom and Dad.